Trump Clones to Protect American Schools

Pullet Surprise News Agency, March 2018

Working in conjunction with Scottish experts, Kāpiti scientist Dr Sullivan Bosley is proposing a creative solution to America’s school shooter woes.

Donald Trump a man not famed for his modesty or lack of bravado has claimed he would have run in to a Florida school being assaulted by a gunman, even if unarmed.

This heroic concept has inspired Dr Bosley, a recognized cloning expert, to set up a dialogue with Roslin Institute, part of the University of Edinburgh, Scotland and the biotechnology company PPL Therapeutics, based near Edinburgh. In 1996 scientists from these bodies successfully cloned Dolly the sheep from a donor sheep’s mammary cell.

Dr Bosley’s plan is to produce multiple Trump clones stationed at each of America’s schools as an effective means of protection.

“Given President Trump’s penchant for heroism and decisive action, I’m sure this approach will work and, in fact, would deter even the most resolute of would-be assailants,” says Dr Bosley.

He says if the clone were damaged, it could easily be replaced a lot cheaper than paying teachers bonuses for being armed and for hiring regular security staff.

“Rather than cloning from a mammary cell, which I’m sure President Trump would balk at, we would target some of his remaining hair follicles,” says Dr Bosley.

“I’m sure such cells would be more effective in capturing his essential nature in particular those attributes of action and physical courage. Or we could target his bone spur cells. I’ve been told they’re more characteristic of the man.”