Density Church moving headquarters to Kāpiti

Bishop Bantam Ariki has told Pullet Surprise that his Density Church is moving its headquarters to Paraparaumu.

‘We’re moving to Kāpiti because the people there elected MP Nuthin Bloak despite the fact he reneged on his 2008 promise to promote the Western Link Road,’ he said. ‘They’re my kind of people willing to overlook inconsistencies. There seem to be many skilled and educated people in Kāpiti and, in a tight employment market, we will have access to a reserve army of able and willing employees to manage our charitable businesses doing things like making and distributing our DVDs, books, and t-shirts and general recruitment and fundraising activities. We could also establish a modern worship centre in the complex. There’s plenty of parking and the longer-term real estate situation, in terms of nearby housing for our flock, looks promising.

‘When, a while back, I learned that, the people in the Ōtaki electorate had elected Mr Bloak as MP in 2011, it began to dawn on me that Kāpiti had vastly untapped potential as a place to re-site our national headquarters, because the people here just seem to the right mix for us. They are submissive and like to have leaders who ‘know best’ for example Mayor Rowan Jennings or those who make bland, meaningless, or even uninformed media statements for example Minister Nuthin Bloak. Also, up-coming fluoridation, and its effects on brain function will also, over time, assist us in finding Density Church converts.

‘And we love Councillor Gurujan Delhi. Our ‘Jandel’! He’s a prime example of who we relate to able to find a way through things by retro-engineering wrong decisions, like in the coastal hazard mapping lines debacle. I imagine we’ll be supporting Jandel in his sterling run for mayor this year. He’s the right kind of leader for the imaginative and flexible proposals we’re putting to KCDC and to Toss Property Group.’

Bishop Ariki explained that Density Church would be able to purchase and/or rent, under its charitable and non-business designation, about 7000 square metres of the estimated 17,000 square metre Kāpiti Landing development.

‘Given that only 10,000 metres is permissible for restricted business use under the District Plan, problem solved!’ he exclaimed. ‘We can use the rest for our own, non-commercial, purposes. I’ve already had informal discussions with the mayor, the KCDC chief executive, certain district councillors and, of course, the folk at Toss Property. It all looks good so far an ideal win-win situation, and I’m sure, given the lobbying and potential for compromise, we’ll be able to strike a really good deal for my Church. Of course there will be some slight sacrifices down the track for some, but that’s progress and the Lord’s work.’

Asked what he meant by ‘sacrifices’, Bishop Ariki replied, ‘I really shouldn’t have said that. It’s nothing to worry about.’ He would not be drawn further, so I put my pencil away.

A study of the existing designs already reveals that the long, north-south, runway would be completely eliminated, suggesting a downsizing of plans to expand and develop the airport, despite mainstream media statements to the contrary.

‘Bloody bastards!’ exclaimed an irate local woman having coffee in the Coastlands food hall. ‘The scumbags are planning to get rid of the airport altogether, or just leave it for a few light planes and gliders leaving and landing to entertain the punters and imaginary tourists sipping coffee in the sun. You watch them! They really just want to build houses all over the airport land. I know they do. I feel it in my bones.’

‘Dirty, scheming swine!’ said a man sitting at the next table. ‘They’ve been planning this for years. Effin developers! All they want is to build things and then bugger off, leaving locals holding a very messy baby. What are we going to do with all those shops and things? We barely service the ones we have already.’

‘Idiots!’ chimed in his friend. ‘Stupid, bloody idiots.’