A personal reflection by Serra Clark
My baby Zoe was stillborn at term in October 2021. This October, during babyloss awareness month, will be the 5th anniversary of her passing and our grieving.
Kāpiti doesn’t seem to have any events to mark this time. Other regions light up monuments and participate in the global wave of light on October 15 where people light a candle at 7pm local time, for one hour, and therefore as the time reaches 7pm around the world, candles burn for 24 hours to honour our lost babies.
This year I am having an exhibition which will coincide with the beginning of October (unfortunately I couldn’t secure two weeks in October), and the Kāpiti Arts Trail at the end of October.
Exhibition is at the gallery space at Paraparaumu Libary (details are on flyer attached) from September 25 to October 8. Kāpiti Arts Trail is October 24-26 and October 31 to November 1
My exhibition, Lessons from Zoe is my night sky photography work which I began five years ago when my baby Zoe was stillborn at term. I had become interested in the night sky while pregnant with her but never thought I’d have the patience to learn to photograph it.
When she passed away, I noticed that planet Venus was very prominent in the sky just after sunset. We have a west facing view to Kāpiti Island and started to call it Zoe’s star, and would say goodnight to her. It was something our living daughter (then four and a half) could connect to too and five years on we still always notice when Venus is up.
I began noticing the Milkyway overhead at night, saw my first aurora display a while later and always felt like these were my connection to my baby. I know I am not alone in this and found other bereaved parents talking about their babies in the stars etc. Since then I have been travelling Aotearoa, hiking and spending time alone outside capturing the night sky. I say that my grief took me to the darkest places and I found so much colour and light and connection that most people miss while they are asleep.
I will have my exhibition which runs for two weeks and will be an opportunity to share my work and journey but also have conversations, raise awareness about baby loss and raise some funds for SANDS who provide the support bereaved whanau receive in hospital and beyond.
There isn’t any funding for mental health care for bereaved parents, we are excluded from specialist maternal mental health services due to not having a living baby in our care. I have been sharing my story in the papers, with journalists, in parliament, speaking at conferences and with maternity clinicians in training.
I am excited and very nervous to share my photography publicly for the first time (beyond instagram). Following my exhibition I will also have my work in the Kāpiti Coast Art Trail, I am sharing a space with another artist, at Copperfield Collective on Maclean St, Paraparaumu Beach.
We lost Zoe at term after a normal pregnancy. There was no cause of death found. As it turns out, approximately 60% of bereaved parents never find out a cause of death. When Zoe died I didn’t even realise I was experiencing a stillbirth. I had no experience beyond what I had seen on TV and assumed that stillbirth meant baby dies during labour or child birth. It hadn’t for some reason ever occurred to me that an otherwise healthy pregnancy can just end at late term and baby has already died in utero. We are always told about the first 12 weeks being the risky time for miscarriage, and then that at 20 weeks an anatomy scan gives reassurance and that at 24 weeks baby is ‘viable’ and if born early attempts can be made to maintain life. I had never heard about a pregnancy ending in the 3rd trimester unless something was obviously wrong like some trauma or a recognised defect. Late term loss isn’t discussed in antenatal classes, and antenatal appointments just reassure you that everything is progressing well and that baby will arrive, perhaps a little early or a little late but never the idea that they might be stillborn so close to birth.
The reality however is that it does happen. Health NZ statistics show approximately 300 late term (3rd trimester) stillbirths per year in Aotearoa, and 1 in every 500 pregnant people lose their baby after 28 weeks. This is on top of approximately 15000 miscarriages (loss before 20 weeks) per year. One in every four pregnancies end in loss.
For more see: www.sands.org.nz
https://www.instagram.com/serraclarknz
