Prime Minister John Goldfischkey announced today, ‘Having had the honour of being able to serve two productive and satisfying terms in office I am, with the greatest confidence, taking the step of naming my preferred successor. I refer to the Honourable Joyce Stevens who will, if endorsed by her Caucus colleagues, lead National to victory in the next General Election.
‘New Zealand will be the first country in the world to have had three woman prime ministers.’
Asked what prompted his endorsement Mr Goldfischkey said ‘Ms Stevens has shown incredible capacity and effectiveness in many areas. For example her quiet but forceful approach appears to be getting traction on solving the Nogopay challenge and thanks to her restructuring prowess we now have the superministry, the Ministry of Business and Other Stuff. Nobody quite knows what they do but they seem to be getting it done anyway, at least that’s the impression one gets from the media. She’s master of getting them to tow the line. I say ‘Well done Ms Stevens!’
‘But I think her greatest accomplishment is getting things going with the Kāpiti Expressway project. Any fool can see it’s grossly counterproductive for Kāpiti but, somehow, she seems to have convinced lots of people there, including otherwise intelligent business leaders, that it’s a good thing for them. It’s her old home town you know. I really like the way she spooked the mayor Rowan Jennings so easily. Great eyeballing skills!
‘But maybe even more incredible than that is how she’s managed to boost Ōtaki MP and Minister of Primary Industry Nuthin Bloak’s image so he actually seems capable of thinking for himself and can make the occasional original statement. It’s a miracle!
‘In my retirement in Hawai’i I will rest easily in the knowledge that New Zealand is setting a shining example of growth and development with motorways everywhere, complete hook-in to the global supply chain, oil driven, infrastructure and mindset, and compliant news media. She has also been central in enabling reinvigorated legislation which grants amazing surveillance and enforcement powers to quell political unrest by a few grizzly, negative, disaffected lefties who keep bleating on about the environment and so-called social justice.
Prime Minister Stevens will deal to them I’m sure.
‘As for her economic leadership well look at what she’s managed to achieve by getting the Land Transport Management Act amended so we can borrow heaps for Roads of National Significance. This will pump more money into the economy and particularly reward the big road building companies for their leadership, enterprise, collusion skills with government agencies, and the ability to convey an image of being environmentally sensitive. And we don’t have to pay for it now! It’s our grandchildren’s problem and I’m sure they’ll rise to the occasion. Really it’s nothing to worry about that’s my attitude.
‘In the meantime I will be looking forward, post 2014, to socialising with my old buddies from the Federal Reserve Board and others in the global financial elite in our gated luxury communities in Hawai’i.
‘Cheers and a “brighter future” New Zealand! Sorry I won’t be there not.’