Kāpiti Island to be mined for gold

A controversial new Bill enabling unrestricted mining is soon to be introduced into Parliament by Joyce Stevens, Minister of Shafting the Environment and Shoving Things Through.

‘It’s really just about letting Mayka Minto mine a vast, high-grade gold seam only recently discovered on Kāpiti Island,’ says a former senior Mayka Minto employee who spoke to Pullet Surprise in confidence. ‘It’s really huge, freaky actually. It’s worth at least 13 billion dollars clear profit. Maybe more than 20 billion if it goes as deep as they think.’

It appears the new Bill, provisionally named The Mining Licences of National Significance Bill, seeks to grant unlimited powers of exploitation for mining projects deemed to be of ‘national significance.’

According to Ministry of Shafting the Environment and Shoving Things Through spokesperson Rippa Newun, ‘Because of the hugely strategic importance of certain projects to the national economy such a licence, once granted, enables the licencee free range to do whatever they like regardless of any existing legislation and/or constitutional elements such as The Treaty of Waitangi or common law. It’s a radical and exciting approach to progress and I’m proud to be part of it. Minister Stevens is leading the charge for real growth and progress in this country.’

According to the former Mayka Minto senior employee, ‘It’s really just a bribe so Mayka Minto will announce they’re staying with their loss-making Bluff aluminium smelter. This will prevent energy prices and energy company shares plunging, thus enabling the government to continue its insane asset sales programme.’

‘Bloody scheming, lying, cheating bastards,’ said a local man. ‘They’ll do anything so they can flog off this country’s water and power and land to the Evil Masters who want to turn us all into effin slaves. Hanging’s too good for them. Bloody bastards.’

Pullet Surprise spoke to Mayor Rowan Jennings about the gold discovery and proposed legislation. ‘Look, it’ll be really sad to see Kāpiti Island cloven in two but, you know, one has to be realistic about these things. This government is determined and we’ll just have resign ourselves to joining the Kāpiti Gold Alliance they’re talking about so we can at least have a voice inside the tent. For the greater benefit of Kāpiti, if we are seen to be supportive of the government’s economic goals, the ‘big picture’ as it were, we will just might be able to have some influence even derive benefits for the District. For example, think of the employment opportunities and economic stimulus.’

Councillor Gurujan Delhi has said he hates the whole idea of mining the island but also that he agrees with the Mayor’s position. ‘No matter what, there are always positive aspects,’ he said. ‘For example, wouldn’t it be nice to have two Kāpiti Islands? And I understand KCDC will be getting a big cut heaps. So that solves our problem if we’re sued by coastal property owners for adding rising sea-level hazard demarcation lines to the District Plan.’

‘Filthy scumbags!’ said a local woman. ‘Effin idiots!’