This is local radio at its very best and the programme link is below.

Bonus video below of Cohen showing his superb impersonation skills in an episode of Happy Hour

https://player.accessmedia.nz/Player.aspx?eid=a82a2ba9-9f1d-42e8-ab18-f8f40529d4d6

This comes hot on the heels of the recent discovery of vast amounts of coal on the Island.

Minister Shame Jones says since the recent discovery of rich coal deposits on Kāpiti Island it makes sense to have somewhere for the miners to spend their new minimum wages (up 25cents an hour) and where better than the superb new Kāpiti Island Casino.

Minister Jones says “all this woke nonsense about saving rare native species in protected habitats has got to stop. I didn’t get where I am today by saving rare species.”

He says it’s time to get real. “We have tourists to plunder and I say let’s just get on with it. I didn’t get where I am today by not just getting on with it,” says Mr Jones.

When told Kāpiti Island was a sanctuary for Kiwis Mr Jones says that was great news.

“I have long held the view that Kiwi Burgers will be a big seller with tourists and we already have  plans in place to build a specialised Kiwi Burger joint right next to the casino. I didn’t get where I am today by not eating Kiwi Burgers,” he says.

“Our Kāpiti Kiwi burgers will be locally sourced and sauced and they will go well with the frog pies we have planned.”

Shame Jones says like most of the Coalition’s policy announcements April 1st seems the perfect time to share the good news.

A spokesperson from the group Say No To Frog Pies says they plan to write a strong letter to the editor.

In secret negotiations over several months, KMR has agreed to deliver ferries that will be ideally suited for people, freight and the all-important trains.

KMR announced the plans at the regular public events at their Raumati based offices on Sunday – “for a long time KMR has been looking to expand its high successful rail operations into the lucrative Cook Strait Ferry market. It is two years to the day since our announcement to re-open the long-abandoned tunnel linking Kāpiti Island to our rail network – this was met with a hugely positive public reaction. So, we are now expanding our portfolio of transport to provide ferries that will take our specialist locomotives and carriages”.

Whilst designs are still being finalised it appears that these New Zealand designed and built ferries will be delivered for significantly less than bids from overseas shipbuilders; and allow far more rail wagons to be transported between the islands than the existing ships, and, even the two new ones announced yesterday. They plan to build the 200m long ferries in section by turning the abandoned Raumati Swimming Pool into a dry dock and float the segments out onto the beach at King Tides.

The KMR Engineering Manager says that the new KMR rail enabled ferries will need some minor modifications to port infrastructure, but the unique KMR rail solution will easily fit inside the existing KiwiRail track width and height restrictions. The existing 42” wide track (Narrow Gauge) in New Zealand is different from most other railways so we will be changing this to the standard gauge used around the world for similar trains. This is the 185mm gauge has been used by KMR for forty years and has proved ideal.

On the odd occasion that a train comes off the track it can be lifted back on by the driver and a couple of passengers.

Whilst KMR has been at the forefront of introducing fully electric trains on many of its services for many years, it also embraces the use of solid carbon-based fuels (coal and steam). The use of these fossil fuel on the railways is not new and many will welcome the return to locally mined coal rather than relying on importing fuels.

The KMR ferries will have some compromises to stay within the government’s fiscal envelope. Doing away with wharepaku facilities will save millions – people will just need to pay attention and use the facilities at the ports before embarking. Overnight services will not be offered at first as most KMR staff are of an age where they go to bed by 9pm, but as the service expands they expect to provide more sailings.

In an age where New Zealand has slipped behind the world’s best, it is great to see that KMR – or to use its full name Kāpiti Miniature Railway is championing home grown skills to come to the aid of our struggling ferry services. We also hear rumours that KMR is in advanced talks with Kiwi space company Rocket Lab to establish a direct Paraparaumu to Christchurch passenger rocket service. Once again KMR proves it is truly out of this world in making announcements at the start of April.

As a way to celebrate the announcement of KMR taking on the Cook Straight route any passengers who come along to Marine Gardens Raumati wearing a Pirate hat between 12pm and 4pm on Sunday 6th April will receive a free 6 trip ticket.

Headliner Neil Thornton takes the stage as one of Wellington’s most celebrated comedians, blending sharp New York wit with his unique take on Kiwi life. A veteran of the New Zealand comedy circuit, Neil delivers razor-sharp insights on everything from cultural quirks to personal identity, all with a fearless and engaging style that’s sure to resonate with local audiences.

Joining Neil are a lineup of diverse and talented comics:

• Ross Dixon from Wairarapa, whose late-in-life tales of parenthood bring fresh laughs and relatable insights

• Alex Neil, shedding light on the quirks of Palmerston North with twisted humor and keen observations

• Lily Catastrophe, with her big personality and unforgettable stage presence, fresh off  performances around New Zealand and Canada

• Summer Begalka, a Chicago native now calling Wellington home, known for her fresh perspective and quick wit

Guiding you through the night as MC is the ever-charming Ben Tito Caldwell from Fielding, whose friendly banter and warm personality will make sure the energy stays high from start to finish.

Tickets are available in advance for $25, with no booking fee, through 2020Entertainment.co.nz and

Eventfinda. Doors open at 7:30 pm, so arrive early, find your table, and settle in for a night of endless laughs. Don’t miss your chance to catch this exciting lineup and be part of the best comedy show on the Kāpiti Coast!

When: Saturday, November 23, 2024

Where: Kāpiti Playhouse, 7 Ruahine Street, Paraparaumu

Tickets: $25 (no booking fee) – available at 2020Entertainment.co.nz and Eventfinda

https://lorrainehamilton.thrivecart.com/comedy-on-the-coast-november-2024

Comedy is a growing entertainment in Kāpiti and most events sell out. Get a ticket and come and join the increasingly popular night of Comedy on the Coast.

Your MC for the evening, just back from his packed out 21 night run at the Edinburgh Festival, is the uproarious Dan Boerman.

This month features the hilarious Lesa Macleod-Whiting headlining. Lesa was winner of Best Comedian at the 2023 Wellington Comedy Awards and is co-host of the popular “Are We Pals?” podcast.

That’s not all, four of the smartest comedians around, including Wellington Raw Comedy Quest finalist Katy Borrows, Wellington favourite Ivan Fadjukoff and Kāpiti locals Jac Lynch and Lorraine Hamilton will be bringing their killer sets.

For Tickets see: https://lorrainehamilton.thrivecart.com/comedy-on-the-coast-sept-2024/

UPDATE: well it looks like the rescue didn’t all the well either…

Dannell Davis – Bugga

Debbie Martin – um

Tim Anderson – Oops

George – Digging for Toheroas

Conrad Petersen – How?

Dwayne Clifton – lose the keys?

Trent McVarnock – Auē!!!

Michael Meads – Whoops. I’m sure I left the key sitting under the guard on the right hand back wheel

Matthew Stidworthy – Must of been high tide

George – Car park full again

Kieran Swain – Hope they closed the windows

Sharlene Maoate-Davis – Latest Kāpiti submarine xxoo

Dianne L Mcsloy – Trafficking again I hope they have big lungs to hold their breath

Eziah Te Hā – “she’ll be right mate”

Prue Fry – Fishing platform?

Rowena Algar-Magee – Oops a daisy !

Marilyn Stevens – Oops!!!

The Kāpiti Coast is set to host the next America’s Cup and preparations are already underway.

The 37th America’s Cup was to be raced in Barcelona as a first-to-seven-wins series from 12 October 2024 but the Kāpiti Boating Club has whipped in and made the Yachting billionaires a better offer.

Commodore John Smith says the Club is already making way for the super-yachts of the mega-rich who will be racing for the Cup.

“We are expecting the council to spend a few million building a marina. It shouldn’t cost more than one or two million, $25million tops,” says Mr Smith.  

Mr Smith says portraying the right image will be important to our rich visitors. “Any current boats at the club worth $2million can stay but those only worth $1-2million will be hidden behind Kāpiti Island until the event is over. The rest will be towed down the Coast to Porirua where they can be used for target practice by the Royal NZ Navy.”

Mr Smith says the Cup rules allow for a local entry and they are currently testing a few likely candidates.

Mayor Janet Holborow says she is thrilled Kāpiti will be hosting the America’s Cup.

“I’m thrilled Kāpiti will be hosting the America’s Cup.  Apart from a few landlords there are hardly any billionaires in Kāpiti so we look forward to rolling out the red carpet for our affluent visitors.”

Mayor Holborow says it’s a bit late to consult on the costs for the Long Term Plan but thinks the public will be pleased to contribute to the sport of billionaires.

Russell Coutts, keen to get an edge on the competition, has already had a couple of test sails off Paraparaumu Beach where the course is expected to be for the early races.

“We weren’t as quick as I’d hoped but it was a good start,” said Coutts. “I think towing the drift net at the back of the boat to catch any pesky dolphins slowed us down a bit, but there aren’t that many of them and they should all be dead by race day.”

More details as events progress, and Happy April 1st

The interview focused on Dale’s controversial Hoodie Day protest at Kāpiti Council.

The link to the clip is below:

Australia, has long been seen as the most racist country on earth, and they have retained their status after an emphatic No vote to Aboriginals having a say in anything to do with running the country.

“Hey we stole the country off the Abos fair and square mate, so no idea what they’re whinging about,” says Digger Smith, keen supporter of the No vote.

“Mate if they don’t bloody like it mate they can go back to where they came from mate,” adds Mr Smith.

In response to claims the No campaign had racist overtones Mr Smith said that was bloody nonsense.

“That’s bloody nonsense. There’s no racism here mate. Some of my best friends know some Abos mate and I even saw one once so you can’t be much fairer than that can ya.

“Mate if you give them a Voice next thing they’ll be wanting to be treated like equals. It was bad enough when we gave the sheilas the vote mate. You have to draw the line somewhere,” says Mr Smith.

Mr Smith is from Queensland so his response was not unexpected. But to show Australia likes its racism well spread the No vote won the day in all six states.

Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese says the referendum to change the constitution and create an enshrined body called an Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Voice has failed.

The Australian public returned a No vote in both the national and state results. 

The federal government will now be facing questions over how it plans to approach Indigenous affairs without the overarching policy of the Voice. Showing the sort of commitment expected of an Australian PM Mr Albanese had already ruled out legislating a Voice in the event the No campaign won.

So there you have it… Finally a win for Australia, after getting caned in the cricket and rugby they finally came up trumps in their favourite sport… Being Racist.

By Charles Swann

George Smith from Paraparaumu has denied winning the $37million Lotto last week despite an apparent upward trend in his lifestyle.

For instance last week George was seen stopped on Kāpiti Rd in his rusty Toyota Corolla being ticketed for no Warrant and no WOF and this week he has been seen in a new red Ferrari

“Yeah, nah, just borrowed the red car off a mate,” says George.

When questioned about his ‘mate’ who was seen with a wheelbarrow of cash in the Kāpiti New World carpark George says it is true that his friend was seen but this was a coincidence.

‘Yeah, nah, he was just getting some stuff from Mitre10 Mega in the wheelbarrow and it’s not what it looks like eh,” says George.

Since the KCNews interview George now completely denies he is George Smith from Makarini St and says his name is Alphonse Montlebarn.

So it seems we may have to wait a bit longer to see who the winner is.